...and that is just what I'm trying to do. However, I find myself at a crossroads unsure which way to go or where to turn. I find that at this point in my life I am 33, a single mom to a beautiful 10 year old boy (that shall be referred to as Little D) and I have spent the last 9 years (my formative adult years) of my life as the Human Resources person of an insurance company that will be laying me off in exactly 4 weeks. For the past decade, this is all I've known how to be: Mom & HR person. Everyday day, jumping (not so) seamlessly from one role to the other. Now I find that I want - no wait! Want is not strong enough, that I need to be more than that. In one simple sentence: I need to be me...I'm just not sure exactly how to do that or what that even looks like anymore. So where does that leave me? Starting over...again. I suppose one could argue that 33 is young enough to do just that (and I agree), but it sure doesn't make it easier.
I find myself filled with anxiety, not so much at the prospect of what's to come (for I always manage to land on my feet) but more so about what has already passed. I mean, I'm 33!! When did this happen? ...and yes, I realize that 33 is really not old enough to be considered "old" but it's older than what I'd pictured in my younger years. You remember don't you? Back when you were a kid and you were forced to think about the time you'd become an adult and accomplish whatever goals you had set for yourself...that age, that magical age in years. For me it was 27. Growing up I always said that by the time I was 27, I would be married, with a child, have enough savings in the bank to consider a down payment on a house... etc... I never thought past that 27th year, because in my youthful innocence I thought the time after would be spent enjoying those very same things I dreamt about all those years. Yet, here I am..6 years past that magic age and it just hit me. I find myself asking a lot - what have I done? Has it been enough and has it made any difference? Most importantly, what do I still have to do and how do I do it?
So I've come full circle in this though process...and I find myself at a crossroads. Do I continue with what I know of HR and pursue future employment in this field? Or do I follow what I've recently realized is my dream? A career in psychology. Do I continue on my solitary single parenting path? Or do I listen to that little inner voice that tells me I'm just about ready for more? There are no easy answers tonight...but I'm sure that enlightenment is to come as that is the way of life. As it does, I will share my challenges, accomplishments, thoughts and what I learn along the way. For now, I leave with a lighter heart at having shared the beginning of my internal struggle...and the thought that there is excitement in new beginnings.
