These tootsies are ready to roll!

Stardate 41712.1 Completed the first two missions into alien territory. Continuing mission: To explore my strange new world... To seek out a new life...To boldly go where I have not gone before.

LOL! You'll have to excuse me for a moment, I'm channeling my inner Captain Kirk (though really I've always been more of a Captain Picard kind of girl but that's neither here nor there) and needed to get that out of my system. Blogging is relatively new for me and I can't help but feel like I'm in an episode of Star Trek, sitting in the Captains quarters pouring my thoughts out to the computer. Oh. Wait. That is exactly what I'm doing! Ha! Just sayin'!

Anyway, with that out of the way... I'm happy to report that I am on day 3 (technically day 4 since it's after midnight) of the 365 days to a new me. Well ok, not a new me but a healthier me, a smaller me. Anyway, it's too early to report any major progress yet; however, I am happy to report that I've taken steps - important steps, in what I consider to be the right direction.

My 1^st step was to rejoin Weight Watchers, a fantastic weight loss program that I’ve had success in and in which I should have never stopped participating!  I’m nervous and yet super  excited to get that going again.  I can’t wait to attend my first meeting on Monday!  Wish me luck ok?

My 2^nd step, and this has been the most fun so far…was to go shoe shopping!  Yay!  I love buying shoes (which baffles my son who asks “mommy?! Exactly how many pair of shoes do you need?!  Ah… the innocence!)  As much fun as the actual shoe shopping was, it really did serve a larger purpose because I now have the tools to get myself out there! No more excuses, I need to walk baby!  The best part is that I got cute shoes that will provide good support and help ease the strain I'm about to put on my tootsies... they will be well taken care of!

The only thing I need now to get rolling is a good iPod playlist…!  Until next time :D

   

365 days

For this to make sense, I must first give you an update to my first and last (until now that is) entry. It’s been several months since I’ve last shared and a lot has occurred, in fact everything that’s happened in between entries is what led me to this point, to 365 days.

In short summary, I was finally laid off from my job and subsequently hired on by a new company (yay!) where I've spent the last several months acclimating to the new (and may I just say, very hectic) rhythm of my life. During this time, I've survived 60 hour work weeks, Little D's 11th birthday party (12 pre-teen, hormonally charged and sugar enhanced kids... good times!) a brief hospital stay (I'm fine now, more on that in a future entry) and my very own 34th birthday!

Throughout it all the common theme has been a general feeling of unrest and an overall feeling of nervous and unspent energy. So much so, that I've often thought of it as how a caged animal must feel when pacing back and forth in their small space all the while knowing, seeing and feeling there is more out there... all within arms (or paws, ha!) reach. This of course brought up the question of why I feel caged, which in turn led to a lot of soul searching where I forced myself to take a very long and hard look at myself and evaluate. The answer is not pretty, but it is what it is as they say! (Somewhere my sister is cringing at the use of this expression) In short, my cage is me - I am my cage.

Whoa! Did I just really say that? Yes, I really did…and now, it's time to liberate myself. So here it goes: I am 34 years old and I am seriously overweight female. There. I said it. Deep breaths, hands steady. Fighting the urge to backspace and delete the seriously part of the statement. Let's face it though, it's the truth - it's not like people can't see it. So you'll have to pardon the cliché (but it really does apply to my previous analogy) when I say the truth will set me free! Can I get an Amen? LOL! Cracking myself up here, which is good, laughter is always better than tears. Laughter aside though, I’m trapped by my body and I want to be free and truth be told, I feel lighter already! It needed to be said, admitted and accepted as it's the only way to move forward.

With that, here it is: Yesterday I celebrated my 34th birthday and I'm giving myself the gift of time - 365 days to be exact. In a year's time, I plan to celebrate a better me, a lighter me, a healthier me. I invite you to join me in this journey of loss (the good kind) and of self-discovery. Most of all, I'll need your support to keep me going!

I leave you tonight with the details of my journey undefined, a smile on my face and excitement in my heart for I can't wait to get started! 

Take a dep breath, a step forward...and live

...and that is just what I'm trying to do. However, I find myself at a crossroads unsure which way to go or where to turn. I find that at this point in my life I am 33, a single mom to a beautiful 10 year old boy (that shall be referred to as Little D) and I have spent the last 9 years (my formative adult years) of my life as the Human Resources person of an insurance company that will be laying me off in exactly 4 weeks. For the past decade, this is all I've known how to be: Mom & HR person. Everyday day, jumping (not so) seamlessly from one role to the other. Now I find that I want - no wait! Want is not strong enough, that I need to be more than that. In one simple sentence: I need to be me...I'm just not sure exactly how to do that or what that even looks like anymore. So where does that leave me? Starting over...again. I suppose one could argue that 33 is young enough to do just that (and I agree), but it sure doesn't make it easier.

I find myself filled with anxiety, not so much at the prospect of what's to come (for I always manage to land on my feet) but more so about what has already passed. I mean, I'm 33!! When did this happen? ...and yes, I realize that 33 is really not old enough to be considered "old" but it's older than what I'd pictured in my younger years. You remember don't you? Back when you were a kid and you were forced to think about the time you'd become an adult and accomplish whatever goals you had set for yourself...that age, that magical age in years. For me it was 27. Growing up I always said that by the time I was 27, I would be married, with a child, have enough savings in the bank to consider a down payment on a house... etc... I never thought past that 27th year, because in my youthful innocence I thought the time after would be spent enjoying those very same things I dreamt about all those years. Yet, here I am..6 years past that magic age and it just hit me. I find myself asking a lot - what have I done? Has it been enough and has it made any difference? Most importantly, what do I still have to do and how do I do it?

So I've come full circle in this though process...and I find myself at a crossroads. Do I continue with what I know of HR and pursue future employment in this field? Or do I follow what I've recently realized is my dream? A career in psychology. Do I continue on my solitary single parenting path? Or do I listen to that little inner voice that tells me I'm just about ready for more? There are no easy answers tonight...but I'm sure that enlightenment is to come as that is the way of life. As it does, I will share my challenges, accomplishments, thoughts and what I learn along the way. For now, I leave with a lighter heart at having shared the beginning of my internal struggle...and the thought that there is excitement in new beginnings.